Setting Boundaries Part III: Explaining Yourself
Setting Boundaries & Misophonia Part III: Explaining Yourself
Once you know in your mind as well as your soul that you simply don’t want to do the social thing, the challenge becomes convincing others that they lack of extraverted behavior on your part is not evidence of a dislike for the person offering, nor an indicator of future refusal to participate; in other words, you don’t want to hurt your loved ones’ feelings nor make them stop trying.
And I am by no means an expert at navigating this fine line; balancing self-care with socializing is a life-long challenge.
But hopefully these few tips can help.
Have other acceptable plans
To avoid the awkwardness of being caught choosing an otherwise empty evening over a friend—even if that evening involves crucial self-care—it can be helpful to have another obligation for an excuse. Hopefully as mental health is increasingly valued, self-care will become a more respected response to an invitation, but for now, plans that are deemed productive are a more readily accepted priority.
Here are some types of these excuses:
A live event (e.g., a concert or class)
Another planned social outing (e.g., a party or regular get-together like a book club)
A work or school obligation (e.g., meetings or deadlines)
Family/household responsibilities (e.g., caring for kids/pets or home/auto repair)
Most of these examples involve either time constraints or other people depending on you, and thus it may be easier for others to accept that you are unavailable: after all, you do have something better to do!
Note: Be wary of stuffing your schedule with obligations solely to excuse yourself from what you don’t want to do.
And while having an excuse can make removing yourself from a potential commitment a little smoother, it’s not necessary: if you don’t want to do something, that can be its own reason.
Hang out another time
If you genuinely want to find time to spend with this person, keep searching for another opportunity that will allow you to make time for yourself and what you want to do.
If you’re refusing to visit the movie theater, organize a popcorn-free movie night at your place. If you’re turning down a party on Friday to avoid the chips and salsa or to introvert for a while after a long week, offer to take a walk together next Tuesday afternoon.
If your misophonia happens to be your reason for proposing an alternate setting, your suggestion can serve as an opportunity to explain your sensory issues to others, allowing you to develop your self-advocacy skills as easily as saying: “I can’t do ______ because that situation will activate my misophonia. How about _____?”
Offer to do social activities that work for you: it shows the other person that you’re trying, and it gives you more control over the environment.
Remember, you don’t have to participate in any particular activities if you don’t want to! If you’re simply not interested—which is valid—say so. You shouldn’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not so that you can get along with a social group. Find pastimes that are appealing to both/all of you.
Multi-task your social time
Be friendly in whatever setting you naturally see the person in. And if they keep offering to visit outside of work or extracurriculars that you already share, suggest that they tag along for something you have on your calendar already. Go on walks after work to share your regular exercise. Talk on the phone while grocery shopping. Invite them over to chat while you do the laundry. Just be sure you make them the focus of your attention while your body is busy getting through other responsibilities, and advocate for your misophonia by laying out your activators beforehand so they know what behaviors to be mindful of as you spend time together.
Use another love language
Not all methods of showing how you care for a person take from your free time. To still be a good friend without sacrificing an evening that you’d like to use for self- care, focus on the love languages other than quality time: acts of service, gifting gifts, words of affirmation, and physical touch.
Instead of scheduled socializing, show your friends and family that you care by bringing them a coffee when you go to get one for yourself, by leaving them little trinkets to brighten their day, by congratulating them on an achievement, and by offering hugs whenever needed.
Social support doesn’t have to take hours; sometimes a smile will do.
Be honest
If you’ve tried making up for missing your seemingly antisocial behavior in these ways and your loved ones still feel like you’re not contributing or that you’re pushing people away, you may need to have an honest talk.
Remind them that you don’t mean to hurt anybody, but that you need time to yourself to recover from the stressors of day to day life, including your misophonia. Remain open-minded and kind throughout this conversation as you establish what you are able to provide for your friend. Be assertive, not passive or aggressive; be firm in defining your needs without letting others walk over you and without being unnecessarily harsh.
And if you’ve offered all you can and that’s not enough? Reevaluate whether you want those people in your life.
Protect your serenity
You’re doing your best, and you deserve kindness—taking care of yourself will never change that.